Friends

I leave back for college on Monday and I am filled with mixed feelings. I love my time in Muk-Town. I have friends who I feel comfortable to be 100% myself around. My family is close by and I can be at my church almost everyday. At school I haven't found my group yet and classes are hard, but I like meeting people in my classes and learning more about myself.

I guess I am feeling extremely nostalgic this evening. I think that these past 8 months I have been focusing on what I am loosing instead of what I have been gaining... I feel that I am loosing my connection with people at home when I am gone instead of realizing that I am maintaining those friendships and gaining new ones at school. This next quarter I am going to try to focus on the positives  that occur in my life and attempt to continue to be myself and give myself the benefit of the doubt. I am constantly too hard on myself. I focus on my faults and continually question my actions. This break has made me realize, after some self reflection, that I am a decent person if I have been able to make the connections with people here that I have. I need to continue to spread God's love, and with his direction I will discover my group and grow as a person.

Here's to creating new relationships,

Alli

Friends

Let me introduce you to one of my best friends. His name is, Jim. I have know Jim for 8 years. He was my youth pastor at my local church. Jim has greatly impacted my life in many ways, and I am so thankful that the Lord introduced us. 

Jim, two of the interns and I went to Pike Place Market today for a day trip. It was my "after break/send off back to school" celebration. We used to go every year from 6th grade to 12th to the market and water front, but this year I could go. I was at the University. In 2009 Jim, my friend Jesse, and I took a picture on the pig and today we recreated it.

We have changed a lot between those 4 years, but one thing that stayed the same over those 4 years of our friendship. It has grown stronger, and one thing that I know is that we will always be friends. We have tons of crazy stories, maybe one day I will share some with you. But for now I want to just say thank you to God for introducing me to such great people.

Happy, 

All-i

What's been on my heart

I am growing up and the older I get the less I seem to know about myself and life. When I was 5 my greatest worry was whether Aaron, my brother, would find out that I went through his room. Now I am taxed with the ongoing worry of what I will do with my life once I complete college. I have financial worries with how I will pay for my education. I worry whether I am doing everything "right." I wonder who God has intended me to be and how I can devote my life to him 100 percent in all I do.

Today, my family came up and visited me. I was so excited to see them. This last week, I have been focusing on the little things and how blessed I am to have been given this amazing life. I got in a fight with my father because of somethings he was telling people about me. I sternly told him to back off and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. Today, when he arrived with my mom he was cold and distant. It turn my heart. I felt that I was a burden to him for making him come up here when we were not on completely good terms. I tried to be warm and show him how much I loved him. After they left my heart ached. I didn't know why. I felt empty and numb. I realized what a big part of my life they are and I don't want any disconnect with him.

I feel that this can represent the Lord and my's relationship. I reprimanded my father for his actions because they were not just and they, I felt, were doing more harm than good. The Lord does the same to me. He is not my father in this scenario, he is me. I am my father. I try to do good and in my actions I hurt my Holy Father, just as my father did to me. When the Lord reprimands me I tend to back away and stray from his discipline. I must realize that he does not do this out of anger, but love. He wants me to grow and strive to become the best Alli that I can be. I pray that my father will come to realize that I will always love him and that I only rectified the situation to strengthen our bond and grow together.

My anxiety has seemed to have fled me for the moment, thank God! But, I still have a numbness/void that I am trying to fill. I have a lot of trouble submitting my worries and struggles to the Lord. That is something that I have to put more effort into. I need to trust and pray. For David says, in Psalm 139, "1O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I am far away." He knows me! Every part of me. He loves me and He goes before and after me. He protects me. "7I can never escape your spirit! I can never get away from your presents!" I am made perfect in your image. I cannot change my being. I need to be content with my own beauty created by you. "14Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." So my prayer is, "23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

My purpose...

Yesterday was a lazy day. My roommate had gone home for the weekend so I had the room to myself. I work up early made coffee and then sat in my warm bed watching Gilmore Girls for a few hours. After the marathon I buckled down wrote a paper, read some sociology and then met with a friend for coffee. I returned to my room to study for the rest of the evening to study for a few upcoming tests. It was so nice just having a  laxidasical day where I had no solid plans and I was content with being by myself. But as the evening went on I started to feel a bit of discontentment in my heart. Everyone around me had plans which led me to realize that I don't have too many friends up here. Just as I was starting to feeling that way I received a text from my friend asking what my plans were. I texted her telling her to come to my room so we could watch a movie. As she was walking over another girl from my floor stopped by my room and invited me to a girls night. Now looking back at that moment I can see that God was so alive right then. He could see the discontentment in my heart and directed the right people to me. Unfortunately at that moment I just felt like I was a looser and I knew that it was up to me to make friends but right then I didn't want to have any part in being social. 

Today, looking back on that experience and analyzing my feelings, I have come to a few conclusions. 

1. I only have a few friend and A LOT of aquantinces. And that is okay. 
2. The friends that I do have mean a lot to me.
3. I read too much into relationships. 
4. I miss my friends at home. 
5. I don't have the energy to be social or the knowledge on how to be.
6. Having friends shouldn't be for my benefit it should be theirs. I have to be a servant to the Lord and put others first. 

Number 6 was the big one. I realized that I was feeling lame because I didn't have friends but in all reality I need to put the lord and others first. I need to make them feel good about them selves before I can feel good about myself. Having friends is nice and good but more important than that is my service to the Lord. And while I am serving the Lord I can meet people and possible create more friendships.

Just thinking,
All-i

Favorite Quote

So today is favorite quote day. I found this quote this last may from my youth leader Jim and it really gave me purpose:)

"God is preparing His heroes, and when the opportunity comes He can fit them into their place in a moment and the world will wonder where they came from."-A.B. Simpson

This gives my life so much hope and reason. I find myself focusing on material things. I really need to focus on the lord and his plans and what he wants me to do for him! It sits heavy on my heart that I need to remember that he is always going to be there for me and that I need to give everything up to him. I mean EVERYTHING such as... my worldly possessions, my heart, my life and it's plans, and even my stresses. I stress over too many things instead of leaving those things for the Lord and listening to what he is telling me. I love him so much and I need to give everything up!

Tell me your thoughts,
Alli