What's been on my heart

I am growing up and the older I get the less I seem to know about myself and life. When I was 5 my greatest worry was whether Aaron, my brother, would find out that I went through his room. Now I am taxed with the ongoing worry of what I will do with my life once I complete college. I have financial worries with how I will pay for my education. I worry whether I am doing everything "right." I wonder who God has intended me to be and how I can devote my life to him 100 percent in all I do.

Today, my family came up and visited me. I was so excited to see them. This last week, I have been focusing on the little things and how blessed I am to have been given this amazing life. I got in a fight with my father because of somethings he was telling people about me. I sternly told him to back off and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. Today, when he arrived with my mom he was cold and distant. It turn my heart. I felt that I was a burden to him for making him come up here when we were not on completely good terms. I tried to be warm and show him how much I loved him. After they left my heart ached. I didn't know why. I felt empty and numb. I realized what a big part of my life they are and I don't want any disconnect with him.

I feel that this can represent the Lord and my's relationship. I reprimanded my father for his actions because they were not just and they, I felt, were doing more harm than good. The Lord does the same to me. He is not my father in this scenario, he is me. I am my father. I try to do good and in my actions I hurt my Holy Father, just as my father did to me. When the Lord reprimands me I tend to back away and stray from his discipline. I must realize that he does not do this out of anger, but love. He wants me to grow and strive to become the best Alli that I can be. I pray that my father will come to realize that I will always love him and that I only rectified the situation to strengthen our bond and grow together.

My anxiety has seemed to have fled me for the moment, thank God! But, I still have a numbness/void that I am trying to fill. I have a lot of trouble submitting my worries and struggles to the Lord. That is something that I have to put more effort into. I need to trust and pray. For David says, in Psalm 139, "1O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I am far away." He knows me! Every part of me. He loves me and He goes before and after me. He protects me. "7I can never escape your spirit! I can never get away from your presents!" I am made perfect in your image. I cannot change my being. I need to be content with my own beauty created by you. "14Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." So my prayer is, "23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

I just wanted to write...

Today I just wanted to write. My classes were cancelled and I had fabulous intentions of accomplishing things that were due in the future, but unfortunately that was not fully executed. I just got in a weird tired funk where it was hard to accomplish things. I was so tired that when I ordered a sandwich for lunch I couldn’t remember what an olive way called… I proceeded to explain to the sandwich artist that, “I [wanted] those little black thingies.” Yes, that is exactly what I said. It just slowly became one of those days. I wasn’t moody or upset but I wasn’t excited or overly happy. I was kind of numb.

I thought that calling someone from home would cheer me up or at least help me gain a little bit more energy so I called my best friend, Jim. He was surprised to hear from me and not to enthusiastic. I asked him about how their Halloween went and how life was and his response was not too enthusiastic. He then out of the blue asked me, “Alli is there a boy in your life?” Now, let me rewind.

I want there to be a boy, but nothing has happened yet. A few weeks ago in my English class I had to peer review this boys paper and he had to peer review mine. I was extremely intimidated by him because he is beautiful and extremely smart. He is also a few years older than me. I did not want to hear what he would have to say about my paper because I thought that there couldn’t be anything positive in it. But when I got it back I was pleasantly surprised. He had begun the paper with, “My dearest Alli” and then he elegantly wrote the changes that he recommended. He was quite kind and I really appreciated it. Then I met up with my church group the next week to walk to church and he was there. I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t think he would remember me but he did! He purposefully made his way up to me and initiated a conversation with me. Then he sat behind me during the church service and as I left he sought me out to say goodbye. I probably read into it too much, but I was smitten.

Fast forward, so when I went home last weekend I briefly mentioned that story to my mother and thought nothing of it. Well, apparently word had gotten out at home. I guess my mother told my father briefly that I was talking to a boy and then my father proceeded to tell the whole town that I had been dating a boy for 2 weeks… WHAT THE DEUCE?? That caused my blood to boil and I became icy during my phone call with Jim. I quickly terminated my phone call with Jim and then called my mother to ask her what she told father. That phone call didn’t make me too happy either. And in the middle of that phone call Jim called me back to make sure I was okay. Anyway, moral of the story is that I have to be VERY cautious with who I share things with.

After that I went to an ethics panel, dinner and then I ran home to read some before my bible study. Right was I sat down there was a nock on my door. It was a girl on my floor who has been having some problems with her roommate and she needed someone to listen, and naturally I was there. I knew that that was what the Lord wanted me to do was just listen. After our conversation I ran to bible study, read my English, and then showered. Now I am here. Writing. I hope that tomorrow I get a little bit more pep in my step.

 More later,

Alli Rose