Hmmm...

The further I go into my education here at university the less educated I feel. Tonight, I have been struggling with what I believe and I have realized how submissive I am to knowledge. I never question authority and now that I am of the age where I make my decisions and I am my own authority I don't know what to believe. There have been a few things this week that have made me feel this way:

1. The Election. My school is extremely liberal. I am fairly conservative. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and should not be ridiculed for their decisions. Last night I did not feel welcomed or respected. 
2. I also thought that gossip would be left behind in high school. Apparently not. This last week my next door neighbor decided to engage in some promiscuous behavior. That is normal. It's college.    The problem was that she did not do it on her own bed, she did it on her roommates... She won't admit to it and says that she cannot remember because she was too drunk. Her roommate has come to me for advice because she feels violated. I feel bad for the girl who made a few decisions that I don't  agree with, this weekend. She now has a stigma attached with her name throughout my whole floor. Why can't we just respect each other and mind our own business? 
3. I am feeling sort of out of place on this campus. I feel that I have to change how I act and what I believe to fit in, and that is not okay. I found myself lying a lot this week about little things to protect my name and who I am. I wish that I would have the courage be myself. 

I just want to find the Lord and his righteousness on this campus. I feel that I am trying to do EVERYTHING on my own and it is because I won't give anything up to Him. Lord, take my burdens. 

None of that made sense. 

Sorry.

A very confused,

Alli

My purpose...

Yesterday was a lazy day. My roommate had gone home for the weekend so I had the room to myself. I work up early made coffee and then sat in my warm bed watching Gilmore Girls for a few hours. After the marathon I buckled down wrote a paper, read some sociology and then met with a friend for coffee. I returned to my room to study for the rest of the evening to study for a few upcoming tests. It was so nice just having a  laxidasical day where I had no solid plans and I was content with being by myself. But as the evening went on I started to feel a bit of discontentment in my heart. Everyone around me had plans which led me to realize that I don't have too many friends up here. Just as I was starting to feeling that way I received a text from my friend asking what my plans were. I texted her telling her to come to my room so we could watch a movie. As she was walking over another girl from my floor stopped by my room and invited me to a girls night. Now looking back at that moment I can see that God was so alive right then. He could see the discontentment in my heart and directed the right people to me. Unfortunately at that moment I just felt like I was a looser and I knew that it was up to me to make friends but right then I didn't want to have any part in being social. 

Today, looking back on that experience and analyzing my feelings, I have come to a few conclusions. 

1. I only have a few friend and A LOT of aquantinces. And that is okay. 
2. The friends that I do have mean a lot to me.
3. I read too much into relationships. 
4. I miss my friends at home. 
5. I don't have the energy to be social or the knowledge on how to be.
6. Having friends shouldn't be for my benefit it should be theirs. I have to be a servant to the Lord and put others first. 

Number 6 was the big one. I realized that I was feeling lame because I didn't have friends but in all reality I need to put the lord and others first. I need to make them feel good about them selves before I can feel good about myself. Having friends is nice and good but more important than that is my service to the Lord. And while I am serving the Lord I can meet people and possible create more friendships.

Just thinking,
All-i