Searching for Joy

I started this blog 5 years ago as I was fighting to come out of a year and a half long bout of depression. I felt hopeless, alone, and worthless. I did not see my future progressing and I couldn't imagine living a happy life. Each day was a struggle and took immense amounts of energy to complete.

I remember my counselor explaining to me that our brains create thought pathways. These thought pathways are carved through repetition of thoughts, whether the thoughts are negative or positive. The thought pathways that I had created in my mind were deep and maladaptive. I had a very unhealthily negative view of the world. I believed countless lies that made me have a dark and hopeless view for my life. I would attribute every negative event that happened to me as the world fighting against me. I had lost all hope of having a productive future and I felt incredibly alone. In one of my last therapy sessions my counselor gave me a homework assignment. Each time I produced a hopeless or anxious thought I was instructed to write it down, challenged to seek truth (if there was any) in the thought, think of the worst thing that could happen in the thought was true, and then counter it with a positive outcome or a truthful statement embedded behind the lie. She also begged me to focus on the positive things that were occurring in my life.

This assignment proved to be ridiculously monotonous because I had absorbed so many lies as truths. I stuck with it though. To ease the repetition of writing the negative thoughts I thought that I should record the little things that brought me joy in a dark time. Instead of writing those little pieces on paper I wrote them down on a blog. Thus, Little Pieces of Happiness was born. I was required to find joy in my mundane everyday life.

I am so thankful that the Lord brought me to such a low place in my life where I was so hopeless because He became my only hope. He broke me down to the point where all I could do was crawl back to Him. He became my Joy and I was able to notice every little piece of joy He brought into my life. This blog was started as a place where I shared my joy. I want y'all to share your joy too! I want to share our joys and sorrows together. We were created to do life together. If anyone who is reading this is to the point where I was, feeling hopeless, alone, and ready to give up, know this, you are love. You are never alone. There is so much more out there. Seek help if you feel this way. God create all emotions but we need to experience them in moderation and in syncrany. We will face many different seasons in this life. If you are in a joyful time, experience it fully. Soak it up and write about it so you can remember how beautiful life can be. If you are experiencing pain, betrayal, or hopelessness know that it won't always be like this. Look towards the light and chase after your creator who loves you beyond your belief. Seek professional help because you deserve more. Plain and simple, you deserve to be free and live in joy because we are protected by a savior who has it all in his hands. Find peace in that.

 If there is anyway that I could be praying for you please let me know.


 So much love,

Little Pieces of Happiness are back!

I always get this urge to write. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I don't ever have anything to write about. Because of that fact I usually don't, but I think that I am going to change that. I created this blog 5 years ago and I titled it Little Pieces of Happiness for a reason. At that time I was battling depression and I attempted to focus on any little piece of happiness that I experienced to help me get through my days. I want to bring that back. I am going to be going through lots of changes again in a few weeks and to bring back the little pieces will help me keep my head up and see all of the things that God is doing around me. So without further adieu... here is a little piece of happiness from today.

This little man gives me little pieces of happiness all the time.

This morning my nephew Keegan was at my house. My mother was watching him while my sister-in-law was at work. I had wanted to sleep in this morning because I was thinking that I would not be called into work, but I couldn't because all I could hear was Keegan laughing. Eventually his laughter morphed into tears and I went out to the living room to see if I could resolve any heartbreak. Once out of bed I realized that the Keegster was just crying because he was resisting his nap. I patiently sat on the couch with my mother to see if we could wait out his tears, but eventually it became clear to us that he was not going to comply. I was still in a sleepy daze when my mother carried Keegan out to me on the couch. When I first saw him my eyes pricked with tears. They were not tears of sadness or remorse like they frequently are, they were tears of joy and gratitude. I felt so luck that the Lord blessed out family with this little man. When he first saw me his lips formed into the largest smile that I have ever seen. And more noticeably, his hair had been cut. He doesn't look like a baby anymore. He is a little boy. This little boy holds my heart and I was so thankful to start my morning with him in it.

Here is the little man's before and after pictures.

 Boom!

Day 12

Hello World,
Today has probably been one of the most frustrating days of thins school year! But, I am not going to let it get in my way of searching for happiness!

During lunch today there is a particular kid that loves to entertain the 600 kid filled lunchroom with a karate routine. He will clear the center of the lunch room and do kicks, punches, and swing his jacket around like a nun chuck:) He also will scream at the top of his lungs! Anyway, as this happens a crowed of teachers and students always forms around him and watch. He usually performs uninterrupted ending with the audience erupting in applause, but today was different... In the middle of his performance a senior casually walked up to him and interrupted him from his kicks and jumps. the senior bowed and let our a low yell. He was beckoning the karate kid to fight:) with that the senior ripped off his jacket and started swinging it. It was perfect! The karate kid was sooo confused and did not understand why some one would fight him. The faces were hilarious from both of them. The attach was perfectly timed and it made my day because it was pure genius. Of course they did not really fight so no one was hurt in the making of this blog.

That was my happy moment of the day:)
Love you all,
Alli

Day 11

Hello Interwebs!

Bear with me... this weekend has been very hard on me and my emotions have been everywhere. I am struggling with forgiveness, envy and desire. I get so frustrated with people and their actions and I cannot forgive them, I hold on to the feelings of hate and anger. But, then I feel that I hold on to these so that I can sulk in my own self pity and make the moment all about me. And I am so envious about others talents, relationships, and friendships. I think of how things in my life use to be and how my old friendships were and the old feelings and places I use to experience. These thoughts always lead me to think of how amazing things were and how I had everything. Then I think of what I have now and the friends that I have lost and the places that I don't go anymore and how worthless of a person I am. Thinking this way always makes me feel empty, alone, and disliked. I always end up crying and in a bad mood. I realized today that I lost lost my friends and favorite places because of a thing that is better than all of my favorite things. And it makes everything worth losing... I lost those things because of my journey with Christ:) I changed my ways of living so that I can glorify him. So looking back at this weekend and all of the emotions that I have felt they were all worth it because of the fact of going home once this life is over. I need to change the ways that I think and remember that I lost those friendships because if I kept them they would have lead me away from my father. The places that are just memories now are in the past because I am constantly making new memories. And, the feelings of lonlyness and worthlessness are not true because I work for the lord and I am nevery alone:)

So that is my Piece of Happiness today, realising the truth behind my feelings and finding hope from sadness. I am going to leave you with a bible verse,

John 20:29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Keep searching for the good stuff in life,

Alli

Day 10

I can't believe that I have not posted anything for like four months! I am a horrible person! A lot has gone on in the four almost five months! Should I fill you in?

In january I was driving at night and the roads were extremely icy. I was being very cautious and going slow when a big truck came flying around the corner and hit me! My car has a big dent now and it is all scratched up... grrr! I was fine thought I had a little bit of back pain but I am all better now. I thank the lord that it was not any worse.

In february my brothers old girl friend got married and he was invited to the wedding. Here is the thing, Aaron, my brother, is wild and crazy! He knows how to party and loves to have fun. Aaron also owns a party bus but, it is not like a white pedo bus(Aaron did use to have a Pedo Van but that is a different story), it is a short school bus that says "Private Carrier" on the top. Aaron called me that night before the wedding and asked if I could drive his bus, filled with people in it to the wedding. I immediately said yes, not knowing what I was getting in to. When I arrived at his house that night he was still getting ready. He threw me the bus keys and told me to drive around the block to get the hang of it. I had never driven a bus before and I had only had my license for four months. I managed to figure it out and get the hang of it. A half an hour later the bus was filled with 15 twenty five year olds with drinks in there hands having a blast as I drove to the wedding. Once arriving at the wedding I had to park in a sketchy back parking lot with no over head lights with the moon shining over head. When everyone disembarked the bus Aaron let me know that I was not allowed in to the wedding and that I was to remain in the bus. Luckily the bus was fully loaded with a TV, Rockband, PS3, drinks, and a sick sound system. That night was full of laughs. Aaron would come out every 20 minutes to fill his red drink cup with a few friends and check in on me. Through out the night the bus managed to die and I had to jump it with a Escalade. I had pizza delivered to the bus and yes ALFY's does deliver to buses. I inhaled a lot of exhaust and almost got in a fight with two guys that got on to the bus and tried to steal the booze. That night was a wirl wind of fun and definitely unforgettable:)

We are in full swing with our 8th annual golf tourney and dinner auction for the youth group and it is extremely busy.

And last night I was driving in my cousins car and we got in a car accident with a huge van. their car was completely fine but her car was almost totaled. We are okay but she is a little shaken up. Your prayers would be appreciated:)

My piece of happiness today comes from this video, I know it is old but it always makes me laugh! "GO GET SOME PANTS ON!"
Go watch it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCpuNdDD7d4

Find your Happiness,
Alli

Day 9

Again this is going to be another quick blog but so be it.

My piece of happiness is from this morning. I went to church to teach preschool and I went to visit Jim. I lost my favorite ring 3 weeks ago and I was devastated:( But this morning Jim found it! I was soooooo excited there were so many memories with that ring. I got it on vacation at a lake we go to every year and they stopped making them.

It will be a very busy week with finals so sorry if I miss a day.

Love you all,
Alli

Day 8

Today has been very good I had a shaky start but it has only gotten better.

My piece of happiness was from a birthday dinner for my friend Stacey. She said that she would eat the pepper that was on my salad. She didn't think it would be hot;) She took a bite and the juice sprayed every where and she started to cry! It was hilarious! Bahahhahaha any way sorry this was short but I have Caroline, Jesse, and Kyle over so I have to go.

Keep Searching,
Alli

Day 7

So I am racing the clock trying to get this in before midnight:)

I just got back from taking my brother Aaron to the airport and I love taking him there and picking him up because it is great quality time. This week has been so amazing! I have tried so hard to work on last sundays sermon that Pastor Mark preached and it was about how we shouldn't worry and live in the day and it has helped.

My piece of happiness comes from when I had dinner with my friends. There were 6 girls and that can get loud so I was trying to keep our table quiet but I thought that we were definitely annoying people because of our constant giggling:) There was an older couple sitting in front of us and when they stood up to leave they walked to our table and she looked at me and asked when grade are you in? I told her and she said that most girls our age were loud and obnoxious when there are six together. I was thinking great I just disappointed an old lady but she then said how well behaved we were and told us she appreciated our kindness:) she didn't realize that her saying that made my whole day! That is the best feeling, the feeling of appreciation:)

Sorry for all of the run on sentences and grammatical errors. :(

Racing the clock,
Alli

Day 6

This is going to be short and sweet because we had our small group bible study and it went long and I just got home. My piece of happiness today was from my friend Sonja. We were in english reading Lord Of The Flies and the beastie was mentioned. She drew me s picture of the cutest monster ever! It is on my binder cover and it makes me smile every time I look at it! He is big and purple with one eye and one horn:)

Hey check out this song it hit me hard today because I feel his words. It is called Breakeven by The Script.

Sorry it was short guys,
Alli

Day 5

Today has been a fun day! It was my aunt Patty's birthday and we made matching t-shirts that say "Team Pattles" on them! They are amazing! School went well I had A LOT of homework but it is under control now. Phew... I am currently making a new cd with songs that make me happy and that are catchy:) I usually listen to music that matches my mood. If I am angry I will listen to hard rock. If I am trying to get pumped up for something I will listen to something thuggin. If I am on a new adventure I will play some classic rock. And if I am studying or content I will listen to acoustic.

My brother Aaron came by tonight and I was able to talk and tell stories with him and I always feel so amazing once I get to spend quality time with my brothers. I am not at the age that I feel it is now acceptable for them to see me with them sense they are so much older than I am but i love hanging out with them. They are my role models:)

My piece of happiness is from when I was driving home from Pattles birthday celebration. I was driving on the freeway and the sun was setting and the sunset was beautiful! I felt SO blessed that God has led me to this beautiful place filled with astonishing nature. The colors of the sun were reflecting perfectly off of the mountains and the sky glowed with a vibrant pink/orange color. The beauty of the northwest it amazing! It mad me so happy that I am blessed with being able to enjoy the nature.
-Alli

Day 4

HOLA!
How are you all doing today? I hope your day has been well. Today was pretty awesome for me. There were no big stressors and I got to see a few of my favorite people today! I went to school and had a surprisingly fun day with classed that I understood. I am trying to stay ahead so next week I wont be too overwhelmed.

I am amazed that I have been able to keep up with blogging every night. But, it has only been 4 days but still that is and accomplishment. So my father has been sick for the passed 2 months and it is very nerve racking for our family so this is a good way for me to take my mind off of him:(

My Piece of happiness is from when I went to visit my youth pastor to pick up my small group list for the middle school kids that I lead every week and one of his interns Kyle showed me a prank call from a local radio show he had heard in the morning. He said it reminded him of me and my cousin Caroline because we are loosing weight. It is really brutal but HILARIOUS! It brought a smile to my face and that is why I love hanging out with them because they are my best friends:)

Keep searching for happiness,
Alli

P.S. Tell me your little pieces of happiness!

LINK TO THE PARNK CALL:
http://jackieandbender.com/pages/jackie_and_bender/general.html?feed=333355&article=5263923
It is the one called "Gym Manager Seth Calls Her Out"

Day 3

Hey,
So I just finished watching the Boy in The Striped Pajamas and it was a wonderful movie and a great book! Today was surprisingly pleasant for being the first day back from break. But, I am not going to get ahead of myself because next week is finals week:(

I am going to keep my piece of happiness short and it was when I was cooking two different hispanic deserts for my spanish class celebrating 3 kings day. I realized how much I miss cooking and how fun it can be! I made this delicious bread and I am SO proud of it! It is perfectly golden brown decorated with little chocolate chips:) It looks perfect.

These next few weeks will be very busy because it is going to be the end of the semester so bare with me but I hope to keep with the blogging! I hope that some one is reading this but if not it is good for me to reflect on the positives. If you are reading this respond with a piece of happiness from your day!

Love Peace Happiness,
Alli

Day 2

Today was very quiet. I woke up around 10 and went to church at 10:45. Pastor Mark gave a wonderful sermon about living in the present. After church me and Caroline, my cousin, went to Taco Bell for a lunch treat. We watched TV and tried to make shirts for her mothers birthday. Then I came home to shower so I would be able to go to bed early because school starts up again tomorrow. :(

My personality can change so easily. One moment I will be happy as a clam and then any little thing will set me off and the rest of my day will be ruined. I was hoping that this blog would help me remember what I have and how I have an amazing life the way it is. I have to remember not to worry and that I don't have to be perfect. I need to just try my best, take chances and have fun. I guess that my new years resolution is that I will make everyday enjoyable and be optimistic.

My little Piece of happiness today is from Pastor Mark's sermon. he preached about the present and how what is in the past is to stay in the past and let God take it. He was talking about how we shouldn't worry and live with today. A bible verse made me smile today and it came from Matthew chapter 6 verse 34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." It reminded me that I have to take one day at a time and enjoy everything that comes my way.

-Alli

Day 1

Today has been a very busy day with only 2 days of break left. I had to go to a weight watchers meeting and realized that I am only .6 LB's away from losing 40 pounds in total. I am at a weight now that I probably haven't seen since seventh grade:)

Then I went home to pick up my mother so that we could venture onward to see the movie The Blind Side. It was an amazing movie showing the true kindness that a person can show and it reminded me how I should strive to be.

After the movie was out I made a mad dash home to create a salad for a quick dinner so I could go babysit for a little extra money. the children were awesome and all I had to do was sit with them on the couch and watch the Harvard VS. Seattle U basketball game. Who knew that 3 and 7 year old were so in to college basketball? It was extremely adorable because when ever anyone made a basket the youngest boy would jump up and yell "SWOOSH!!!!!!". He had no clue what was happening in the game but he was excited that both the teams were making baskets.

But my Little Piece of Happiness for today was when I went to Safeway to by groceries. As I was walking out to my car to load my groceries in to my car, I noticed a father that looked worn and tired carrying twin girls, probably age 4, bundled in tattered clothing. He walked to a car two away from mine and waited patiently as a mother was buckling her small child in to his car seat. As she shut his door the worn man asked if he could use her cart because it was one that looked like a car. He explained that his girls would probably be the happiest children if they could take a ride in the toy car cart. The mother that was leaving said of course because she was finished with it. When the father placed his two girls in to the cart and their faces just lit up! They couldn't believe how lucky they were that they were able to ride in the car cart.

The simple smile of two children brought so much happiness to my heart because of their innocents and just how easy it is to make them happy. When I am around children I become so very envious! Their life is so happy and everything is mapped out for them. Most kids have no big stresses and life altering decisions. So now when I am around them I try to make their experiences as happy as possible because they will only have a childhood once.