I am growing up and the older I get the less I seem to know about myself and life. When I was 5 my greatest worry was whether Aaron, my brother, would find out that I went through his room. Now I am taxed with the ongoing worry of what I will do with my life once I complete college. I have financial worries with how I will pay for my education. I worry whether I am doing everything "right." I wonder who God has intended me to be and how I can devote my life to him 100 percent in all I do.
Today, my family came up and visited me. I was so excited to see them. This last week, I have been focusing on the little things and how blessed I am to have been given this amazing life. I got in a fight with my father because of somethings he was telling people about me. I sternly told him to back off and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. Today, when he arrived with my mom he was cold and distant. It turn my heart. I felt that I was a burden to him for making him come up here when we were not on completely good terms. I tried to be warm and show him how much I loved him. After they left my heart ached. I didn't know why. I felt empty and numb. I realized what a big part of my life they are and I don't want any disconnect with him.
I feel that this can represent the Lord and my's relationship. I reprimanded my father for his actions because they were not just and they, I felt, were doing more harm than good. The Lord does the same to me. He is not my father in this scenario, he is me. I am my father. I try to do good and in my actions I hurt my Holy Father, just as my father did to me. When the Lord reprimands me I tend to back away and stray from his discipline. I must realize that he does not do this out of anger, but love. He wants me to grow and strive to become the best Alli that I can be. I pray that my father will come to realize that I will always love him and that I only rectified the situation to strengthen our bond and grow together.
My anxiety has seemed to have fled me for the moment, thank God! But, I still have a numbness/void that I am trying to fill. I have a lot of trouble submitting my worries and struggles to the Lord. That is something that I have to put more effort into. I need to trust and pray. For David says, in Psalm 139, "
1O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
2You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I am far away." He knows me! Every part of me. He loves me and He goes before and after me. He protects me. "
7I can never escape your spirit! I can never get away from your presents!" I am made perfect in your image. I cannot change my being. I need to be content with my own beauty created by you. "
14Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." So my prayer is, "
23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
