Friends

I leave back for college on Monday and I am filled with mixed feelings. I love my time in Muk-Town. I have friends who I feel comfortable to be 100% myself around. My family is close by and I can be at my church almost everyday. At school I haven't found my group yet and classes are hard, but I like meeting people in my classes and learning more about myself.

I guess I am feeling extremely nostalgic this evening. I think that these past 8 months I have been focusing on what I am loosing instead of what I have been gaining... I feel that I am loosing my connection with people at home when I am gone instead of realizing that I am maintaining those friendships and gaining new ones at school. This next quarter I am going to try to focus on the positives  that occur in my life and attempt to continue to be myself and give myself the benefit of the doubt. I am constantly too hard on myself. I focus on my faults and continually question my actions. This break has made me realize, after some self reflection, that I am a decent person if I have been able to make the connections with people here that I have. I need to continue to spread God's love, and with his direction I will discover my group and grow as a person.

Here's to creating new relationships,

Alli

What's been on my heart

I am growing up and the older I get the less I seem to know about myself and life. When I was 5 my greatest worry was whether Aaron, my brother, would find out that I went through his room. Now I am taxed with the ongoing worry of what I will do with my life once I complete college. I have financial worries with how I will pay for my education. I worry whether I am doing everything "right." I wonder who God has intended me to be and how I can devote my life to him 100 percent in all I do.

Today, my family came up and visited me. I was so excited to see them. This last week, I have been focusing on the little things and how blessed I am to have been given this amazing life. I got in a fight with my father because of somethings he was telling people about me. I sternly told him to back off and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings. Today, when he arrived with my mom he was cold and distant. It turn my heart. I felt that I was a burden to him for making him come up here when we were not on completely good terms. I tried to be warm and show him how much I loved him. After they left my heart ached. I didn't know why. I felt empty and numb. I realized what a big part of my life they are and I don't want any disconnect with him.

I feel that this can represent the Lord and my's relationship. I reprimanded my father for his actions because they were not just and they, I felt, were doing more harm than good. The Lord does the same to me. He is not my father in this scenario, he is me. I am my father. I try to do good and in my actions I hurt my Holy Father, just as my father did to me. When the Lord reprimands me I tend to back away and stray from his discipline. I must realize that he does not do this out of anger, but love. He wants me to grow and strive to become the best Alli that I can be. I pray that my father will come to realize that I will always love him and that I only rectified the situation to strengthen our bond and grow together.

My anxiety has seemed to have fled me for the moment, thank God! But, I still have a numbness/void that I am trying to fill. I have a lot of trouble submitting my worries and struggles to the Lord. That is something that I have to put more effort into. I need to trust and pray. For David says, in Psalm 139, "1O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I am far away." He knows me! Every part of me. He loves me and He goes before and after me. He protects me. "7I can never escape your spirit! I can never get away from your presents!" I am made perfect in your image. I cannot change my being. I need to be content with my own beauty created by you. "14Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." So my prayer is, "23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

My purpose...

Yesterday was a lazy day. My roommate had gone home for the weekend so I had the room to myself. I work up early made coffee and then sat in my warm bed watching Gilmore Girls for a few hours. After the marathon I buckled down wrote a paper, read some sociology and then met with a friend for coffee. I returned to my room to study for the rest of the evening to study for a few upcoming tests. It was so nice just having a  laxidasical day where I had no solid plans and I was content with being by myself. But as the evening went on I started to feel a bit of discontentment in my heart. Everyone around me had plans which led me to realize that I don't have too many friends up here. Just as I was starting to feeling that way I received a text from my friend asking what my plans were. I texted her telling her to come to my room so we could watch a movie. As she was walking over another girl from my floor stopped by my room and invited me to a girls night. Now looking back at that moment I can see that God was so alive right then. He could see the discontentment in my heart and directed the right people to me. Unfortunately at that moment I just felt like I was a looser and I knew that it was up to me to make friends but right then I didn't want to have any part in being social. 

Today, looking back on that experience and analyzing my feelings, I have come to a few conclusions. 

1. I only have a few friend and A LOT of aquantinces. And that is okay. 
2. The friends that I do have mean a lot to me.
3. I read too much into relationships. 
4. I miss my friends at home. 
5. I don't have the energy to be social or the knowledge on how to be.
6. Having friends shouldn't be for my benefit it should be theirs. I have to be a servant to the Lord and put others first. 

Number 6 was the big one. I realized that I was feeling lame because I didn't have friends but in all reality I need to put the lord and others first. I need to make them feel good about them selves before I can feel good about myself. Having friends is nice and good but more important than that is my service to the Lord. And while I am serving the Lord I can meet people and possible create more friendships.

Just thinking,
All-i

The little things.

Today I was reminded that the little things in life are the ones that usually matter the most. A little kid hug, a smile, a question asked at the opportune moment these are all things that can turn my day around in an instant.

My day started this morning at 7 am. I quickly got ready and scurried out the door to run to a new church for the 8 am service. The service was magnificent. The Lord spoke to me in all aspects of worship; singing, prayer and through the message. My favorite part of the service was the congregation.  I was raised Presbyterian so there is no hang raising or singing to loud but at this new church there are no limits. The whole congregation's voices echoed off of the walls while hands were reading up to heaven. Everyone was so genuine with their love and worship. I was so inspired with the male population of the church! They were humble and so vocal about their love and it made me desire a man who had that kind of passion. 

From church service #1 I ventured to church service #2 at my home church. I listened to my best friend deliver the word of God to the elderly population of my home town. The Lord was present at the instance as well. I worked in-between services #2 and #3 recruiting golfers for our golf tournament fundraiser. I had many pleasant conversations and brief moment catch ups but, I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness/remorse that washed over me all at once. I realized that I only have one more Sunday service with all of these people before I leave for a year. That church population is my family and it breaks my heart knowing that I will not see them every week. As I tried to shake my mood I prayed a prayer of comfort. I knew that I kneaded to find a peace and a bit of hope that would let me know it is okay. Right after I prayed that prayer Jefferson Bethke posted this on Facebook, "Don't let anyone steal your joy today. If you got Jesus you got everything." After reading that there was a sense of calm that overwhelmed me. 

I was walking back from the office to the sanctuary for service #3 when I ran into my youth pastor's wife and 4 beautiful daughters. The two youngest ran up to me and gave me the tightest little kid hugs. Then the littlest one, Taylor, grabbed my hand with one of hers and walked with me into the sanctuary to find my seat. She stood in front of me and I wrapped my arms around her as we entered into worship. I prayed that the Lord would open my heart to receive his direction and that I would have no limitations as I worshiped. Then I sang, I sang with all of my heart and so did the whole congregation. I was AMAZED the whole congregation in unison were singing praises to our savior. I was overwhelmed in that moment. Tears came rom nowhere and I hugged Taylor with all of my might and she rested her head on my shoulder. 

After the service I continued to recruit golfers and a mom who's daughter is a part of our youth ministry sauntered over to me and asked me how I was heeling about school and aced for my address. She reassured me that everything would be okay and that she would be there for me at any moment. Then Taylor's sister Riley ran over to me and gave me a big hug and told me that she would miss me next year and then later in her father's office he said the same thing. Jesus showed me that I will not be alone next year and that there are plenty people who are back at home praying for me. 

I am so thankful that the Lord directed me to this church and allowed me to meet these people. I owe so much to MPC Student Ministries for supporting me over the past 7 years and I hope to spend a lifetime giving back. 

Here are some pictures of the precious Taylor(pink) and adorable Riley(white). 

 

This is the newest promo video that I created for MPC Student Ministries.

Loving the little things,

All-i

Favorite Quote

So today is favorite quote day. I found this quote this last may from my youth leader Jim and it really gave me purpose:)

"God is preparing His heroes, and when the opportunity comes He can fit them into their place in a moment and the world will wonder where they came from."-A.B. Simpson

This gives my life so much hope and reason. I find myself focusing on material things. I really need to focus on the lord and his plans and what he wants me to do for him! It sits heavy on my heart that I need to remember that he is always going to be there for me and that I need to give everything up to him. I mean EVERYTHING such as... my worldly possessions, my heart, my life and it's plans, and even my stresses. I stress over too many things instead of leaving those things for the Lord and listening to what he is telling me. I love him so much and I need to give everything up!

Tell me your thoughts,
Alli