Rose
I am completely and fully in LOVE with my nephews. Like head over heals. I just can't get enough of them. God is so good.
Thorn
I am a bit taxed with feelings of inadequacy and I am trying to process where I am as a human. I am also a bit stressed because I am still trying to decipher what I wanna major in. I am relying on the Lord's direction BIG TIME for that one.
Bud
This Friday I get to see my cousins!! I haven't seen Caroline for 5 months and I haven't seen Becca for almost 2 months! I miss them! So much!
Right now, I am sitting in the Woods coffee with my best friend, Jessica reflecting on this week. It has been a beautiful week. Jesus is alive.
This week thoughts have been circulating around and around in a circular form. It goes like this:
I feel like a passionate Christ loving woman
Then interact with other Christ loving woman who's lives look perfect and their actions match
Then I reflect on my actions and feel completely broken and unworthy to call myself a Jesus loving woman.
And from that point I try to remind myself that Jesus seeks out the broken and I try to reconcile with myself to remind me that I am loved regardless of where I am.
I am a sinner. I am aware of that, and I am humbled and non-deserving of Christ's love, but He gives it to me anyway. period. I don't deserve it and He still gives it to me. I don't have to earn it. Because of that live and grace I repent and believe. Within repenting and believing I now know where my identity is. It is in Christ. I am His daughter. I was made in His beautiful image. This is comforting. God is present in my life and he lives in me. So let me break down my emotions this week on why I felt so unworthy to be His daughter.
Last Thursday, I joined a new small group with a bunch of girls that I kind of know from my Friday church. This quarter we are going through the book of Galatians. We attempted to tackle the first chapter this week. It was good. The word was good. God spoke to me. The girls were so sweet and beautiful. This group is full of passionate Jesus loving woman. The thing is... they are all so beautiful and put together and passionate, I feel unworthy to be part of their group. I am a messy person. I am foul and broken. I am selfish. I struggle with sin. I am not BOLD in daily interactions with my faith. I try to be subtle in my actions. When I left that night, I felt defeated and so unworthy of God's love. I called my mom that night and explained to my mother why I felt that way. I was belittling myself because I felt like I wasn't bold enough with my faith and I realized that I was trying to please every person that I interact with.We read Galations 1:10 in small group that night and it was the 4th time that I had came across this verse that week.
Galatians 1:10 Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If
pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant.
I felt that God was trying to tell me something. And He was. I think that it was a mixture of 2 things.
I don't need to be afraid of offending people with the Gospel. I need to spread it boldly. And let me be honest, that is hard for me because not everyone will be pleased. I will be ridiculed and I will loose people. If both of those things happen, it's okay! I am living out my purpose.
I don't need to please all of the girls in my small group. I have to hope that they will take me as I am. One piece of comfort that I need to focus on is that we are all sinners. everyone. Some people's sin is just more public. I make my sin known. I am first to admit my own faults.
So after battling with that cycle this week, I have come to find some comfort in this cycle. I am never going to be perfect and on the other hand, I will never be to a point with God that I wont need His grace. I know though I am His daughter and He is my father. I have a loving father who is proud of me. We are all his kids. God wants me to be raw and authentic with Him. I wrote down in my notes that I am using to write this post,
"You are my dearly beloved [daughter] and you bring me great joy!" Mark 1:11
I am His. And knowing that, there is not a feeling more comforting. He loves me just where I am at. He takes my life even though I am broken and a sinner. I need to work on reflecting the things that I believe and and from that He will fulfill me even more. He can fulfill you too. If you don't know how, just ask me because there is not a more peaceful feeling than knowing that you have a loving father who is always holding you and encouraging you.
Tonight, while walking back from dinner with my two friends with Jessica and Lauren, I experienced something that I have never experienced before. Let me tell you the story.
My evening had consisted of working out, playing Volleyball, sweating off my makeup, and then going to dinner with my girls. As we were walking back from dinner I looked back and there was a guy running behind me towards us. At first I just thought that he was running to catch the bus. But after glancing back again, I noticed that he was running straight towards us. Assumingly, I slowed down, expectant to answer a question for him in regards to directions or bus routes, but that information was nothing that he wanted. He strategically ran up in front of me and cut me off with his whole body. I was separated by my two friends who were inquisitively looking at me from behind him. When I glanced back at him he said, "I'm sorry. I'm Don and I just had to stop you because I just think that you are so beautiful." I was caught off guard and looked at my friends for help but they were focusing on containing their laughter. When I glanced back to him he continued, "Can you stop and talk to me for a few minutes?"
I was a bit uneasy feeling and had no interest in him so asked if he could walk with us because I had somewhere I had to be. He, unfortunately, had to go the opposite direction so he didn't want to stray too far, but he agree to walk a little ways. He first asked me, "What do you like to do for fun?"
My response, "Go to church, take pictures, and play volleyball with these goobers. (Pointing at Lauren and Jessica)."
After I said that he felt obligated to introduce himself to them. "Hi I'm Don. Sorry for holding you guys up... I just wanted to stop your friend because she is so beautiful!"
At this point I was very uncomfortable. He was very strong. He then asked me what I was doing tonight. "I have a meeting I am going to." He asked what the meeting was for and I lied... "It is a meeting for my Psychology group."
"What are you majoring in? Psychology??"
"Yah. What are you studying up here?"
"Chemistry!"
"Oh, man I am not very good at Chem."
"I'm like it... I like the challenge." He looks me right in the eyes with this comment.
"Where do you live?"
"Just bellow BT." I lied, again. I didn't feel comfortable with giving that information away.
"What year are you?"
I answered truthfully... "I'm a sophomore."I was curious too so I asked him, "What year are you?"
He steps in front of me to make us halt our movement.
"How old do I look?" He had a smile that gleamed.
"Um... you look like you are in your 20's. Maybe 22?"
"I just turned 21."
Hahahaha at this time I turned to look at Lauren and Jessica, begging them for help, and they were actually audibly laughing at this time.
When I looked back at him he was waiting, "I know that this is very forward, but would you mind exchanging numbers and going on a date tomorrow?"
And that is where it happened... I didn't have a response and I didn't want to be a complete bitch, so I lied, for the 3rd time. "I'm sorry, but I am seeing someone right now. Thank you though for coming up to me. I really appreciate it."
He responded polity,"Well thanks for letting me talk to you. You are beautiful." Then he opened his ares and hugged me.
It was an experience. My friends got a laugh. I got a confidence boost. I had never had something happen like that. I have never had a man tell me that I was beautiful and stop me. I don't always feel beautiful. Especially while in college. College is filled with beautiful female and males who compete for love and I feel that I am beautiful enough to win. From the boys who I have hung out with this year, none of them have made me feel pretty, actually most of them have made me feel unworthy. But, this kind man showed me that God created a beautiful creature. Everything that God creates is beautiful.
My friend Jessica sent me this tonight and I loved it. It reminded me that God's creations are beautiful and that no one can tell me different. I AM BEAUTIFUL and SO ARE YOU.
I have a void in my heart along with a whole lot of uncertainty in my mind, and I don't know what God wants me to do to fill it.
I have officially started my Sophomore year at the university and it is a whole lot different than last year. Lot's of it is a good different. I love my roommates. I love being back at my church. I love meeting new people and hanging out with my best friends. I love being back in Bellingham. Looking at all of these things that I love I don't know why I feel this immense void in my soul. I am uncomfortable where I am as a person right now. I am trying to figure out how to fill this hole. Currently I am attempting to decipher God's direction from societies. I am also trying to please everyone who is around me. There is a lot of internal turmoil right now.
I think that this is all stemming from seing others doing so much and being successful where I am just doing school but doing it well. I am ver compettitive in natural and I always want to be the "best." I want to have a harder major than everyone. I want to work a harder job than every one. Just stupid non-important competitive things. But, this year I am taking easy classes and not working. Which I have to constantly remind myself that, that is fine! I am feeling a bit of distress though because I am farther along than most of my friends though and I am having to declair my major in a matter of months and I don't know what to declare in. I am waffling and praying a lot. From those prayers though I am having a difficult time deciphering what God wants me to do and what society wants me to do.
Uncertainty, my life is filled with it. So what do I do to overcome that uncertainty and fill the uncomfortable hole in my heart. I turn to Jesus, hard. I need to push myself to allow myself to feel the Holy Spirit in my life. I need his direction and I need to realize that this life is not my own. I have to be okay with making mistakes and exploring. That is what life is about. Discovering how the world works by making mistakes and learning from them.
I am searching for the next phase of my life and until I feel His direction, I will continue to fill this void with Jesus.
Right now, probably nothing because chocolate sounds
terrible to me. I would do anything for a large McDonald’s fries. Mmmmmh.
Seriously. That sounds so delicious.
On another note, how are you? What have you been up to
today? Oh, that sounds very nice. I’m good, thanks for asking! Right now, I am
at work and I think that I have temporarily completed my tasks so I am taking a
break to breathe and calm down. I am ready to be done with work for a bit.
Going back to Bellingham sounds nicer to me thank being here at the moment. I
miss my friends and my church family. I never though that I would ever say, “I
miss Bellingham.” If I could, I would like to just sit in limbo for another
month with no plans and just live at home. Unfortunately, that’s not how it
works, and I will be moving back to the ham in 9 days. Thankfully, I know what to expect and I don’t
have nearly as much anxiety as I did last summer. That is partly because I am choosing
to trust God with all of it and choose happiness.
Choosing happiness, it’s that easy. You choose what you want
to feel. Yesterday, I wasn’t particularly feeling too jazzed about the day’s
events, but right as I got out of bed I decided that no one was going to take
my happiness. I deserve to have it. It is mine and I want to share it. There
were definitely times where I had to remind myself of my decision. I had to
shape my thoughts, but I have the power to do that.
I feel that there is a connection between choosing happiness
and that you remind yourself that it’s yours and you have it and no one can
take it away, just as no one can take your decision for Christ away. That
probably sounds very stupid, but for me it makes sense. There have been so many
times where people have taken everything from me, physically and emotionally,
but the one thing that I could cling to and that I knew was mine was my
relationship with Christ. I chose to follow Him and I choose to rely on Him. He
is my rock and redeemer. He hears my cries and answers my prayers. He speaks to
me in whispers and in silence. When I am lost and hurt I remind myself that I
have a mighty savior who will protect me. He is the reason that I choose
happiness. Because I have him, I have nothing to be sad/anxious/forlorn about.
Choose happiness. It’s that simple. It takes practice abut
once your curve your thought paths it will all come together. Sorry this blog
was all over the place. I chose to be very open with my thought path and
honestly when starting this blog I had no clue what I was going to talk about.
I think that is the secret to blogging, just write what ever comes up in your
thought patterns. In the past I have tried to make my posts too groomed and
today I was messy and I liked it. BAM!
Giggles,
What the what?! What does that even mean? K Thanks BYEEEE!
Now that I am in my twenties, I feel the pressure to find my life purpose and my career path. I always feel some surge of anxiety when people my age know exactly what they want to do and what they are going to major in. For the past 3 years, I have been praying continually that my God will place me where He sees fit for me to be and do his work. After much reflection and reading His word, I think that I have found my life's purpose. I think that this purpose should be every believer's life purpose.
While Christ was on this earth, He showed the world how much He loved us, His creation. He performed countless miracles, He was there for the sick and the poor, and ultimately He laid His life down for us, His unworthy creations. He gave His disciples a great commission in Matthew 28:18-20 "18 Jesus came and told his disciples, 'I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth.19 Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.20 Teach
these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be
sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.'" How do we do that? How do we make disciples of the nations? We do it through love. My purpose on this earth is to make disciples for Jesus by loving on every individual that I meet and helping them with what ever their needs are in that instance. Now, that is a very broad purpose but I can do it where ever Christ leads me. Whether that be in the work place or at home with my future children. Where ever I am I am going to run into the Chaos of the world and attempt to make a difference in this world.
The best way to give love is by creating lasting relationships. When I was younger I think that I made friendships for the wrong reasons. I made them so that I could feel like a decent human being who could properly function in society. Even though that is an understandable reason, I feel that now I am making relationships that are not for my sake. I am making relationships for the sake of making them feel loved and cared for. In 1 Corinthians 13:13 Paul writes, "Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love." Maybe through giving other's love, we can show them that they matter and that they have a Savior who is greater than any other being out there.
Now, when trying to share the gospel with others we have to make sure that we can be understood. I feel that the best way to be understood is by being silent. By that I mean we can share the gospel in a non abrasive way, just by our actions. Live joyfully and positively. It is so much easier and enjoyable to be around someone who is positive and pleasant. I guarantee that someone will notice your different actions and will eventually start asking questions. When someone does eventually start asking questions and why we are so joyful and loving we can calmly explain that it is because I have a savior who is great and mighty. If you feel that you aren't knowledgeable to share the gospel because you are new in your faith know that when Christ makes His home in your heart as you trust Him, "Your roots will grow down into
God’s love and keep you strong." Ephesians 3:17 So if you are a believer, what is your purose? What is Christ calling you to do? If you don't know Jesus and think that I am nuts, as my why I believe what I believe. To everyone, try Jesus. What do you have to lose?
I always get this urge to write. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I don't ever have anything to write about. Because of that fact I usually don't, but I think that I am going to change that. I created this blog 5 years ago and I titled it Little Pieces of Happiness for a reason. At that time I was battling depression and I attempted to focus on any little piece of happiness that I experienced to help me get through my days. I want to bring that back. I am going to be going through lots of changes again in a few weeks and to bring back the little pieces will help me keep my head up and see all of the things that God is doing around me. So without further adieu... here is a little piece of happiness from today.
This little man gives me little pieces of happiness all the time.
This morning my nephew Keegan was at my house. My mother was watching him while my sister-in-law was at work. I had wanted to sleep in this morning because I was thinking that I would not be called into work, but I couldn't because all I could hear was Keegan laughing. Eventually his laughter morphed into tears and I went out to the living room to see if I could resolve any heartbreak. Once out of bed I realized that the Keegster was just crying because he was resisting his nap. I patiently sat on the couch with my mother to see if we could wait out his tears, but eventually it became clear to us that he was not going to comply. I was still in a sleepy daze when my mother carried Keegan out to me on the couch. When I first saw him my eyes pricked with tears. They were not tears of sadness or remorse like they frequently are, they were tears of joy and gratitude. I felt so luck that the Lord blessed out family with this little man. When he first saw me his lips formed into the largest smile that I have ever seen. And more noticeably, his hair had been cut. He doesn't look like a baby anymore. He is a little boy. This little boy holds my heart and I was so thankful to start my morning with him in it.
Here is the little man's before and after pictures.
