Searching...

I have a void in my heart along with a whole lot of uncertainty in my mind, and I don't know what God wants me to do to fill it. 

I have officially started my Sophomore year at the university and it is a whole lot different than last year. Lot's of it is a good different. I love my roommates. I love being back at my church. I love meeting new people and hanging out with my best friends. I love being back in Bellingham. Looking at all of these things that I love I don't know why I feel this immense void in my soul. I am uncomfortable where I am as a person right now. I am trying to figure out how to fill this hole. Currently I am attempting to decipher God's direction from societies. I am also trying to please everyone who is around me. There is a lot of internal turmoil right now.

I think that this is all stemming from seing others doing so much and being successful where I am just doing school but doing it well. I am ver compettitive in natural and I always want to be the "best." I want to have a harder major than everyone. I want to work a harder job than every one. Just stupid non-important competitive things. But, this year I am taking easy classes and not working. Which I have to constantly remind myself that, that is fine! I am feeling a bit of distress though because I am farther along than most of my friends though and I am having to declair my major in a matter of months and I don't know what to declare in. I am waffling and praying a lot. From those prayers though I am having a difficult time deciphering what God wants me to do and what society wants me to do.

Uncertainty, my life is filled with it. So what do I do to overcome that uncertainty and fill the uncomfortable hole in my heart. I turn to Jesus, hard. I need to push myself to allow myself to feel the Holy Spirit in my life. I need his direction and I need to realize that this life is not my own. I have to be okay with making mistakes and exploring. That is what life is about. Discovering how the world works by making mistakes and learning from them.

I am searching for the next phase of my life and until I feel His direction, I will continue to fill this void with Jesus.
 

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Right now, probably nothing because chocolate sounds terrible to me. I would do anything for a large McDonald’s fries. Mmmmmh. Seriously. That sounds so delicious.

On another note, how are you? What have you been up to today? Oh, that sounds very nice. I’m good, thanks for asking! Right now, I am at work and I think that I have temporarily completed my tasks so I am taking a break to breathe and calm down. I am ready to be done with work for a bit. Going back to Bellingham sounds nicer to me thank being here at the moment. I miss my friends and my church family. I never though that I would ever say, “I miss Bellingham.” If I could, I would like to just sit in limbo for another month with no plans and just live at home. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works, and I will be moving back to the ham in 9 days.  Thankfully, I know what to expect and I don’t have nearly as much anxiety as I did last summer. That is partly because I am choosing to trust God with all of it and choose happiness.

Choosing happiness, it’s that easy. You choose what you want to feel. Yesterday, I wasn’t particularly feeling too jazzed about the day’s events, but right as I got out of bed I decided that no one was going to take my happiness. I deserve to have it. It is mine and I want to share it. There were definitely times where I had to remind myself of my decision. I had to shape my thoughts, but I have the power to do that.

I feel that there is a connection between choosing happiness and that you remind yourself that it’s yours and you have it and no one can take it away, just as no one can take your decision for Christ away. That probably sounds very stupid, but for me it makes sense. There have been so many times where people have taken everything from me, physically and emotionally, but the one thing that I could cling to and that I knew was mine was my relationship with Christ. I chose to follow Him and I choose to rely on Him. He is my rock and redeemer. He hears my cries and answers my prayers. He speaks to me in whispers and in silence. When I am lost and hurt I remind myself that I have a mighty savior who will protect me. He is the reason that I choose happiness. Because I have him, I have nothing to be sad/anxious/forlorn about.

Choose happiness. It’s that simple. It takes practice abut once your curve your thought paths it will all come together. Sorry this blog was all over the place. I chose to be very open with my thought path and honestly when starting this blog I had no clue what I was going to talk about. I think that is the secret to blogging, just write what ever comes up in your thought patterns. In the past I have tried to make my posts too groomed and today I was messy and I liked it. BAM!

Giggles,

 
 What the what?! What does that even mean? K Thanks BYEEEE!

What is your purpose?

Now that I am in my twenties, I feel the pressure to find my life purpose and my career path. I always feel some surge of anxiety when people my age know exactly what they want to do and what they are going to major in. For the past 3 years, I have been praying continually that my God will place me where He sees fit for me to be and do his work. After much reflection and reading His word, I think that I have found my life's purpose. I think that this purpose should be every believer's life purpose.

While Christ was on this earth, He showed the world how much He loved us, His creation. He performed countless miracles, He was there for the sick and the poor, and ultimately He laid His life down for us, His unworthy creations. He gave His disciples a great commission in Matthew 28:18-20
^"18 Jesus came and told his disciples, 'I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. ¹⁹ Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. ²⁰ Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.'" How do we do that? How do we make disciples of the nations? We do it through love. My purpose on this earth is to make disciples for Jesus by loving on every individual that I meet and helping them with what ever their needs are in that instance. Now, that is a very broad purpose but I can do it where ever Christ leads me. Whether that be in the work place or at home with my future children. Where ever I am I am going to run into the Chaos of the world and attempt to make a difference in this world.

The best way to give love is by creating lasting relationships. When I was younger I think that I made friendships for the wrong reasons. I made them so that I could feel like a decent human being who could properly function in society. Even though that is an understandable reason, I feel that now I am making relationships that are  not for my sake. I am making relationships for the sake of making them feel loved and cared for. In 1 Corinthians 13:13 Paul writes, ^"Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love." Maybe through giving other's love, we can show them that they matter and that they have a Savior who is greater than any other being out there.

Now, when trying to share the gospel with others we have to make sure that we can be understood. I feel that the best way to be understood is by being silent. By that I mean we can share the gospel in a non abrasive way, just by our actions. Live joyfully and positively. It is so much easier and enjoyable to be around someone who is positive and pleasant. I guarantee that someone will notice your different actions and will eventually start asking questions. When someone does eventually start asking questions and why we are so joyful and loving we can calmly explain that it is because I have a savior who is great and mighty. If you feel that you aren't knowledgeable to share the gospel because you are new in your faith know that when Christ makes His home in your heart as you trust Him, "Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong." Ephesians 3:17

So if you are a believer, what is your purose? What is Christ calling you to do? If you don't know Jesus and think that I am nuts, as my why I believe what I believe. To everyone, try Jesus. What do you have to lose?

Little Pieces of Happiness are back!

I always get this urge to write. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I don't ever have anything to write about. Because of that fact I usually don't, but I think that I am going to change that. I created this blog 5 years ago and I titled it Little Pieces of Happiness for a reason. At that time I was battling depression and I attempted to focus on any little piece of happiness that I experienced to help me get through my days. I want to bring that back. I am going to be going through lots of changes again in a few weeks and to bring back the little pieces will help me keep my head up and see all of the things that God is doing around me. So without further adieu... here is a little piece of happiness from today.

This little man gives me little pieces of happiness all the time.

This morning my nephew Keegan was at my house. My mother was watching him while my sister-in-law was at work. I had wanted to sleep in this morning because I was thinking that I would not be called into work, but I couldn't because all I could hear was Keegan laughing. Eventually his laughter morphed into tears and I went out to the living room to see if I could resolve any heartbreak. Once out of bed I realized that the Keegster was just crying because he was resisting his nap. I patiently sat on the couch with my mother to see if we could wait out his tears, but eventually it became clear to us that he was not going to comply. I was still in a sleepy daze when my mother carried Keegan out to me on the couch. When I first saw him my eyes pricked with tears. They were not tears of sadness or remorse like they frequently are, they were tears of joy and gratitude. I felt so luck that the Lord blessed out family with this little man. When he first saw me his lips formed into the largest smile that I have ever seen. And more noticeably, his hair had been cut. He doesn't look like a baby anymore. He is a little boy. This little boy holds my heart and I was so thankful to start my morning with him in it.

Here is the little man's before and after pictures.

 Boom!

Rose Thorn Bud!

I want to write a blog post but I have nothing to write about. This is a completely irrelevant story but... About ten minutes ago, I hopped out of the shower and placed product in my hair, lotioned my body, and cleansed my face of any remaining makeup left after the scrub. But because of the facial cleansing... My eyes are now cloudy because of the makeup remover that leaked into my eyeballs.

Okay, you probably don't care so I am going to do a Rose, Thorn, Bud.

Rose
There were quite a few roses this week.
Last weekend I got to spend the WHOLE weekend with my brother Aaron's family at the lake property for my birthday and I loved it. We met up with a different set of their friends everyday of the weeked. I spent hours with Keegan and the most exciting thing about that is that he can now say Dog and Ball!

It was my 20th birthday this week! wow I am in my twenties. That makes me feel old. I didn't do anything exciting on my birthday and it was kinda nice. My parents and my friend Jessica took me to dinner and then we watched a scary movie, per usual.

I got a hair cut and I actually like it!! I discovered that I don't get haircuts often but when I do I cut a bunch off and then usually hate it for the next month so I changed the Cycle. I still cut about five inches off but I LOVE it.

The lighthouse festival was also this weekend and that was a lot of fun!I spent the whole day with my friend Katie. We went to the parade, the festival, watched the fireworks with our friends, and then ended the night watching Amityville Horror (the new one with Ryan Reynolds... yummy).

Thorn
I didn't go into work that much and when I did, I didn't mentally enjoy it that much. I am having a very hard time with work. I think that I am craving stability and I don't get much of that there. But that it a segway to my bud!

Bud
I am nervous to stay this because it waivers daily but... I am looking forward to moving back up to Bellingham. I do have a lot of mixed emotions about this because I still don't know how I will pay for it and I am not ready for the classes, I am excited to see my friends and go back up to my church community there:)

Whelp that was random,

Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woosie my eyes.  

Summer is coming to an end and boy, has it been an adventure. I will create a blog post separate to that topic but today's topic is ubiquitous in my mind. Let me explain that so it makes sense. This summer I have learned a lot about myself and I have transformed as a person. From that transformation I am starting to attempt to decipher what I would like to choose as a career path so it would meet my ultimate personality desires. I am coming to see that I have lost the initial awe that I had when starting my job at MPC. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't like my job. That's not true. I do love my job and the kids that I get to work with but I no longer wake up ass excited as I used to and I think that is because my personality has changed and I am wanting something different in the work place. I think that I want more consistancy. By that I mean that I want secure hours that I know the day in advance. I would love to leave the politics of the church. I would like to feel a bit more wanted. But there are many things that I would fear losing if I chose another job. I would not want to lose the connection that I have with the children. I love listening to them and hearing them talk and their thoughts. I am learning that I really have a heart for counseling. I would want to also lose the purpose that I feel from the Lord when I do really feel it.

So I will continue to pray. Pray for direction and peace. Prayers of guidence and humility. I am starting to cope with the fact that the Lord will direct me and I so strongly believe that wherever I invest my heart, I will invest my life for Jesus.

Mumford and Son's song Awake My Soul has been my anthem for this summer.

 A jumpy hearted,