Searching...

I have a void in my heart along with a whole lot of uncertainty in my mind, and I don't know what God wants me to do to fill it. 

I have officially started my Sophomore year at the university and it is a whole lot different than last year. Lot's of it is a good different. I love my roommates. I love being back at my church. I love meeting new people and hanging out with my best friends. I love being back in Bellingham. Looking at all of these things that I love I don't know why I feel this immense void in my soul. I am uncomfortable where I am as a person right now. I am trying to figure out how to fill this hole. Currently I am attempting to decipher God's direction from societies. I am also trying to please everyone who is around me. There is a lot of internal turmoil right now.

I think that this is all stemming from seing others doing so much and being successful where I am just doing school but doing it well. I am ver compettitive in natural and I always want to be the "best." I want to have a harder major than everyone. I want to work a harder job than every one. Just stupid non-important competitive things. But, this year I am taking easy classes and not working. Which I have to constantly remind myself that, that is fine! I am feeling a bit of distress though because I am farther along than most of my friends though and I am having to declair my major in a matter of months and I don't know what to declare in. I am waffling and praying a lot. From those prayers though I am having a difficult time deciphering what God wants me to do and what society wants me to do.

Uncertainty, my life is filled with it. So what do I do to overcome that uncertainty and fill the uncomfortable hole in my heart. I turn to Jesus, hard. I need to push myself to allow myself to feel the Holy Spirit in my life. I need his direction and I need to realize that this life is not my own. I have to be okay with making mistakes and exploring. That is what life is about. Discovering how the world works by making mistakes and learning from them.

I am searching for the next phase of my life and until I feel His direction, I will continue to fill this void with Jesus.