Rose
I am completely and fully in LOVE with my nephews. Like head over heals. I just can't get enough of them. God is so good.
Thorn
I am a bit taxed with feelings of inadequacy and I am trying to process where I am as a human. I am also a bit stressed because I am still trying to decipher what I wanna major in. I am relying on the Lord's direction BIG TIME for that one.
Bud
This Friday I get to see my cousins!! I haven't seen Caroline for 5 months and I haven't seen Becca for almost 2 months! I miss them! So much!
Right now, I am sitting in the Woods coffee with my best friend, Jessica reflecting on this week. It has been a beautiful week. Jesus is alive.
This week thoughts have been circulating around and around in a circular form. It goes like this:
I feel like a passionate Christ loving woman
Then interact with other Christ loving woman who's lives look perfect and their actions match
Then I reflect on my actions and feel completely broken and unworthy to call myself a Jesus loving woman.
And from that point I try to remind myself that Jesus seeks out the broken and I try to reconcile with myself to remind me that I am loved regardless of where I am.
I am a sinner. I am aware of that, and I am humbled and non-deserving of Christ's love, but He gives it to me anyway. period. I don't deserve it and He still gives it to me. I don't have to earn it. Because of that live and grace I repent and believe. Within repenting and believing I now know where my identity is. It is in Christ. I am His daughter. I was made in His beautiful image. This is comforting. God is present in my life and he lives in me. So let me break down my emotions this week on why I felt so unworthy to be His daughter.
Last Thursday, I joined a new small group with a bunch of girls that I kind of know from my Friday church. This quarter we are going through the book of Galatians. We attempted to tackle the first chapter this week. It was good. The word was good. God spoke to me. The girls were so sweet and beautiful. This group is full of passionate Jesus loving woman. The thing is... they are all so beautiful and put together and passionate, I feel unworthy to be part of their group. I am a messy person. I am foul and broken. I am selfish. I struggle with sin. I am not BOLD in daily interactions with my faith. I try to be subtle in my actions. When I left that night, I felt defeated and so unworthy of God's love. I called my mom that night and explained to my mother why I felt that way. I was belittling myself because I felt like I wasn't bold enough with my faith and I realized that I was trying to please every person that I interact with.We read Galations 1:10 in small group that night and it was the 4th time that I had came across this verse that week.
Galatians 1:10 Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If
pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant.
I felt that God was trying to tell me something. And He was. I think that it was a mixture of 2 things.
I don't need to be afraid of offending people with the Gospel. I need to spread it boldly. And let me be honest, that is hard for me because not everyone will be pleased. I will be ridiculed and I will loose people. If both of those things happen, it's okay! I am living out my purpose.
I don't need to please all of the girls in my small group. I have to hope that they will take me as I am. One piece of comfort that I need to focus on is that we are all sinners. everyone. Some people's sin is just more public. I make my sin known. I am first to admit my own faults.
So after battling with that cycle this week, I have come to find some comfort in this cycle. I am never going to be perfect and on the other hand, I will never be to a point with God that I wont need His grace. I know though I am His daughter and He is my father. I have a loving father who is proud of me. We are all his kids. God wants me to be raw and authentic with Him. I wrote down in my notes that I am using to write this post,
"You are my dearly beloved [daughter] and you bring me great joy!" Mark 1:11
I am His. And knowing that, there is not a feeling more comforting. He loves me just where I am at. He takes my life even though I am broken and a sinner. I need to work on reflecting the things that I believe and and from that He will fulfill me even more. He can fulfill you too. If you don't know how, just ask me because there is not a more peaceful feeling than knowing that you have a loving father who is always holding you and encouraging you.
Tonight, while walking back from dinner with my two friends with Jessica and Lauren, I experienced something that I have never experienced before. Let me tell you the story.
My evening had consisted of working out, playing Volleyball, sweating off my makeup, and then going to dinner with my girls. As we were walking back from dinner I looked back and there was a guy running behind me towards us. At first I just thought that he was running to catch the bus. But after glancing back again, I noticed that he was running straight towards us. Assumingly, I slowed down, expectant to answer a question for him in regards to directions or bus routes, but that information was nothing that he wanted. He strategically ran up in front of me and cut me off with his whole body. I was separated by my two friends who were inquisitively looking at me from behind him. When I glanced back at him he said, "I'm sorry. I'm Don and I just had to stop you because I just think that you are so beautiful." I was caught off guard and looked at my friends for help but they were focusing on containing their laughter. When I glanced back to him he continued, "Can you stop and talk to me for a few minutes?"
I was a bit uneasy feeling and had no interest in him so asked if he could walk with us because I had somewhere I had to be. He, unfortunately, had to go the opposite direction so he didn't want to stray too far, but he agree to walk a little ways. He first asked me, "What do you like to do for fun?"
My response, "Go to church, take pictures, and play volleyball with these goobers. (Pointing at Lauren and Jessica)."
After I said that he felt obligated to introduce himself to them. "Hi I'm Don. Sorry for holding you guys up... I just wanted to stop your friend because she is so beautiful!"
At this point I was very uncomfortable. He was very strong. He then asked me what I was doing tonight. "I have a meeting I am going to." He asked what the meeting was for and I lied... "It is a meeting for my Psychology group."
"What are you majoring in? Psychology??"
"Yah. What are you studying up here?"
"Chemistry!"
"Oh, man I am not very good at Chem."
"I'm like it... I like the challenge." He looks me right in the eyes with this comment.
"Where do you live?"
"Just bellow BT." I lied, again. I didn't feel comfortable with giving that information away.
"What year are you?"
I answered truthfully... "I'm a sophomore."I was curious too so I asked him, "What year are you?"
He steps in front of me to make us halt our movement.
"How old do I look?" He had a smile that gleamed.
"Um... you look like you are in your 20's. Maybe 22?"
"I just turned 21."
Hahahaha at this time I turned to look at Lauren and Jessica, begging them for help, and they were actually audibly laughing at this time.
When I looked back at him he was waiting, "I know that this is very forward, but would you mind exchanging numbers and going on a date tomorrow?"
And that is where it happened... I didn't have a response and I didn't want to be a complete bitch, so I lied, for the 3rd time. "I'm sorry, but I am seeing someone right now. Thank you though for coming up to me. I really appreciate it."
He responded polity,"Well thanks for letting me talk to you. You are beautiful." Then he opened his ares and hugged me.
It was an experience. My friends got a laugh. I got a confidence boost. I had never had something happen like that. I have never had a man tell me that I was beautiful and stop me. I don't always feel beautiful. Especially while in college. College is filled with beautiful female and males who compete for love and I feel that I am beautiful enough to win. From the boys who I have hung out with this year, none of them have made me feel pretty, actually most of them have made me feel unworthy. But, this kind man showed me that God created a beautiful creature. Everything that God creates is beautiful.
My friend Jessica sent me this tonight and I loved it. It reminded me that God's creations are beautiful and that no one can tell me different. I AM BEAUTIFUL and SO ARE YOU.
