A week off. That is what I have. A week off of work. kinda. Next week we are going to camp! So the week before we are tying up the loose ends and mentally prepare. I am so thankful for this week off. I used to love my job, I would commit countless hours to it that I was not being paid for (I still do this), I would cancel plans with friends so I could be at the office (this, not as often), and I would look forward to spending time with my friends everyday. Working this past month has changed some of those feelings. I think that I am just burnt out. I have been there so much preparing for camp and I think that I have just taken upon too much and I am forgetting that this is all God's thing and that he will make it be how ever he wants it to be.
This past month has been hard, emotionally. Last summer, while working here, my emotions were cultivated and validated, my work was appreciated and I felt that my being was loved. In preparing for camp, I have felt almost the complete opposite of those emotions. I have felt that my emotions have not been taken into account and that my feelings are irrational. My hard work is not matched with appreciation but rather with condemnation and criticism. Overall, working here for the past month has made me feel that I am a shitty human who has no right working with this group.
Because of these feelings, I have not been particularly excited for camp and going back to work and facing these people. I want to badly for this trip to be wonderful and a success but I am a bit weary of all of the stress that I might experience while being there. So I am lifting up this to God. It is no longer in my hands. So this is my prayer. Lord, take my fear and anxiety. Help me become excited again about your gospel and remind me why I am here doing your good work. Let me know that I am loved beyond what I can fathom and help me find my worth solely in you. Remind me daily that this is your life and that your will will be done and that your hands are fully wrapped in this. I pray that you provide me the energy that I need to be a successful leader and the patience too. Amen.
I pray that after this trip, my friendships will still be intact and that I am excited to be working for a ministry that is so dependent on Jesus. I am in a bit of a rough patch but God will steer me through it.
From a weary hearted,
